


TEA

by LuckyWantsToKnow



Category: Wynonna Earp - Fandom
Genre: Forgive me Englishpeople, MillsandBoonAU, Nicole Haught fires a gun, No Smut, None whatsoever, Not even a passionate kiss, Often and competently, Original Character Mrs. Porpington is a proper English lady, The book was called From Midwife to Mummy, There Are Monsters, This might be the silliest thing I have ever done, Waverly's still learning ancient Egyptian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 06:03:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18867220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyWantsToKnow/pseuds/LuckyWantsToKnow
Summary: Wynonna's about to have the baby, but where's the midwife?





	TEA

**Author's Note:**

> HaughtToScot on Twitter has promised to write a lovely fic, but they made the mistake of posting a photo of all these Mills/Boon books and one of them was "From Midwife to Mummy." I've had a hard time finding my writing muse lately and this inspired me so here you go suckers, you'll never get this time back.

BANG! POW!

Shots rang out, sending the old frame of the Homestead to trembling, as Nicole ducked and wove, taking quick peeks around the door frame before sending more rounds downrange.

“I need some help over here!” Nicole shouted, dropping her empty magazine and performing a flawless combat reload while almost simultaneously reacquiring her front sight and blowing the head off a slavering snake-headed man-creature that was fast approaching the porch. “Wynonna!”

Wynonna hunkered in the kitchen, taking short, sharp breaths and blowing them harshly out through pursed lips. She gritted her teeth and clenched her palms over her lower stomach, just beneath her protruding, nine-months-extremely-pregnant belly.

“I’m coming, Haught!” she yelled convincingly, even as her knees folded under her and she rolled up on the kitchen floor in as close to a fetal position as her uncomfortable, swollen body would allow. “Well, something’s coming,” she whispered.  She watched as Doc sprinted by to assist Nicole, pistols gleaming in his hand.

As if she’d somehow acquired a preternatural level of hearing, Waverly suddenly appeared in the kitchen, eyes wide as she took in her sister on the floor.

“The baby’s coming?” she breathed. “Oh my god, this is my fault. I should never have tried to order dinner from that new place in  _ actual _ ancient Egyptian.”

Both sisters flinched and Waverly ducked as a stone whistled by their heads on its way through the kitchen window.

“Honestly, Waves, I told you I just wanted comfort food tonight. I’m pregnant—ow! Ow!” Wynonna clenched her eyes shut as a contraction ripped through her.  

“Egyptian food is comforting,” Waverly insisted, staring dreamily at the ceiling. “Warm falafel, pita…”

“Holy shit is that just one snake?” Nicole screamed from the front of the house, a volley of gunfire following quickly behind.

“I do declare that serpent is at least fifty feet long!” Doc exclaimed, “Aim for the head!”

“Fudge,” Waverly flinched. “Apep is here.”

Wynonna stretched out, momentarily relieved between contractions. “Apep? Like the association for retired people? Because this is a really bad time.”

Waverly twisted her fingers nervously together, an apologetic grimace on her face. “Um, Apep is kind of the enemy of light? Yeah he sort of…causes earthquakes and thunderstorms and could potentially eat the sun?”

As if in answer, a loud clap of thunder reverberated overhead, drowning out the sound of ammunition exploding.

Wynonna rolled her eyes heavenward. “Waverly. Listen. I’m about to have my baby during the Egyptian Apocalypse. I need you to get the midwife here, somehow. Please.” Another contraction hit and Wynonna couldn’t help but scream quietly into her arm. Sweat beaded on her brow and Waverly started to look a little guilty.

“Everything alright in there?!” Nicole screamed from the front room. “Because they’re moving on from throwing rocks and now a huge bird is sort of flamethrowing its way across the property so like…we could use a plan!”

Jeremy’s voice piped up from the living room. “Ok, the giant bird is Bennu, the Bird of Fire, and since it’s almost sunset he should be gone soon—”

“If we’re not first,” Wynonna supplied helpfully, pulling her lips in and breathing harshly through her nose. Waverly danced around her on her cell phone, holding up one finger to indicate that the call was going through.

“Oh thank god!” Waverly exclaimed. “Yes, Mrs. Porpington! It’s Waverly Earp! Yes, the baby is coming. Uh huh. Yes that is why there’s so much screaming in the background. Yes, we’re all super excited. Can you come please! Oh, jolly good!” Waverly threw a thumbs up and a wink to Wynonna, who smiled fakely and nodded. “See you soon!” Waverly hung up.

“She’s on her way! The midwife is coming!”

Nicole retreated quickly into the kitchen, dumping her useless handgun and grabbing up both Waverly’s shotgun and Wynonna’s Mac 10. “Out of ammo,” she huffed, her face red and sweaty. A small cut above her eye trickled blood, and she swiped it out of her eyes with impatience. She turned to Waverly. “Jolly good? That’s the worst British accent I ever heard.” With a wink, she darted back through the entryway, Waverly calling after her, “I can’t help it! Mrs. Porpington brings out the accent!”

“Well let’s hope Mary Poppins gets here soon,” Wynonna panted, “because this baby is coming out—” she spotted Jeremy peeking in the doorway, “—of my vagina. Now.”

Jeremy blanched and retracted his head like a turtle.

###

Mrs. Porpington hummed to herself as she motored her Mini Cooper over the dirt road towards the Homestead. The distant dark clouds looked ominous and she tutted in displeasure.

“Bother. It’s going to rain, and me with no brolly.” She shrugged in resignation. “No matter, we’ll bring this odd child into the world and at least we’ll be snug indoors, Prissy.”

Priscilla Porpington had been Wynonna’s midwife since the last one met a tragic end, somehow falling into a fiery inferno and being completely consumed. She liked the Earp sisters and their mishmash of friends, but she had to admit, things got a little weird around there.

First there was the time she’d seen what she was certain was a fully grown man flying…no  _ blowing _ away from the property. To be fair, she’d had a nip in her coffee that afternoon, but nonetheless! Then there was the friendly neighbor in the thick wolfskin coat who always seemed to be digging something up or landscaping along the property line. Once she’d seen his wife out yelling at him, in what had to be a thousand dollar Armani suit with actual chrome high heels. It was a headshaker alright. But he always smiled with his large white teeth when she toodled by so she couldn’t dislike him.

Waverly was super smart and she’d had a fascinating discussion over tea about medieval birthing techniques with her one day, and her lovely girlfriend the Sheriff’s deputy reminded her of this Scottish woman she’d known back home, oddly fond of stick fighting and also a charmer with the pretty girls.

And then there was that genius boy Jeremy. So talented with computers and visual effects. Every time she came out to the Homestead he seemed to be testing one animation or another with the blue eyed actor who seemed to always be filming out there. Usually something involving killing monsters.

So no, Mrs. Porpington didn’t mind working with the Earps. She rather enjoyed it. What she didn’t expect was to practically run into a completely lifelike Sphinx at the entrance to the Earp property. Her car screeched to a halt, as Mrs. Porpington admired the Sphinx with wide eyes. She parked her little car and stepped out, boldly approaching the Sphinx and making to walk about it. Her hand grazed the foot and she jolted back in surprise.

“Oh my god it feels real,” she murmured, “like actual stone. That genius Jeremy. Or perhaps it’s a set piece?” Mrs. Porpington stroked her hand over the Sphinx’s foot, her blood freezing in her veins when a deep, malicious voice surrounded her.

“Why have you come?” the Sphinx asked…no _ demanded _ . Mrs. Porpington felt light headed and her bladder suddenly filled. She shook her head. There was no way.

“Jeremy!” she called. “My god this is so realistic!” Peering around the Sphinx her eyes nearly popped out of her head. What sort of movie were they filming? Creatures seemed to be swarming everywhere, creatures that she’d seen before in hieroglyphics or Egyptian history displays. Men with the heads of cats and snakes and crocodiles, winged lions...

_ It must be a movie like The Mummy _ , she thought.  _ Whyever anyone would remake that _ ? She shrugged and started to walk around the Sphinx again.

A low growl stopped her in her tracks, and Mrs. Porpington followed the sound up, up, up, past the long muscular throat, the clenched under-jaw with sharp teeth just visible within. Then the monster twitched a lip and Mrs. Porpington squeaked.

“Why have you come?” the Sphinx repeated in its deep, booming monotone.

“F-for the mum. For the mummy!” Mrs. Porpington yelled up. “Is this part of the animation? Is the baby coming? You called me out here! I’m the midwife! Hello?” She was thoroughly confused at this point.

The Sphinx seemed to hum in agreement. “Yes, the midwife. The mummy. Your answer and your presence is acceptable. You may pass.”

Mrs. Porpingon felt only a breath of warm air pass over her as her body dried to a husk, linen wrappings appearing from nowhere to bind her flaking flesh. The urge to urinate was gone, as were all sentient thoughts except for one.  _ Deliver the baby _ .

###

Wynonna had resorted to deep grunting huffs, as she squatted on her mattress on the floor. They’d rallied together during a lull in the fight to drag the mattress off of the bed, which sat in front of the window and was way too dangerous a location. They’d stuffed the mattress behind the stairs into a fairly protected area, and Wynonna was now cursing at Doc and clenching his hand, while Waverly and Nicole took potshots at crocodile-headed men and what appeared to be a—

“Is that an honest to god griffin? I can’t even shoot it!” Nicole said admiringly, firing at the creature’s feet in an effort to scare it back a little. The hair stood up on the animal’s back as it leapt with all four feet out of the way, letting out a little screech of terror and bounding away like a frightened cat. Nicole laughed. “Baby did you see that? Like CJ that time we put tape on her feet!”

“I think I see Mrs. Porpington’s car!” Waverly called, relief coloring her voice.

“Oh thank god,” Doc groaned, “I will just get the door for her.” He made to tug his purpling hand out of Wynonna’s grasp.

“You will do no such thing,” Wynonna growled, squeezing even tighter on his hand, pulling Doc down onto the mattress beside her. “They can let her in.”

“Huh,” Nicole observed, “she’s walking right through all those creatures and not even flinching.”

“The woman has literally seen an entire human come out of another human many times,” Wynonna yelped, “this must be nothing to her.”

“I like Mrs. Porpington,” Jeremy smiled, “she’s so easygoing. And gullible.”

“She looks a bit stiff,” Waverly said thoughtfully, tipping her head to watch the usually smartly dressed retired British nanny walking with staggered steps up to their door. Her tweed overcoat appeared frayed, long strips of fabric trailing behind her. “Jeremy wait…” Waverly started to say, her eyes widening in horror as she recognized what she was seeing. But it was too late, Jeremy flung the door open with a smile, flinching back at the sight of the horrible, desiccated creature before him.

###

Something was nagging at her mind. A feral thought, chasing its tail through the dry landscape of her skull. Mrs. Porpington still felt something. She struggled hard to connect the dots as an image formed in her memory. A container…no…a bag. What she needed was in there. What…was…this…bag. The creature that had been Mrs. Porpingon looked down, her dried tendons stretching with a creak, dust puffing from between her bandages. Her eyeballs, which were now more like matte grey marbles, rolled around until she noticed the canvas tote slung crosswise over her body.

What.she.needed.was.in.there.

A clawing hand rose hovering, then plunged into the bag, pulling back out with a crackling of linen, and holding the object in front of the one eye that was not partially obscured by wrappings of linen. Her jaws cracked into a smile as she spread them to bite into the olallieberry scone she’d baked that afternoon.

It was…a bit dry. Mrs. Porpington thought hard again and then remembered. Yes. A scone required tea. But now she was at the porch of the house and it was time. Time to deliver the baby.

###

“AHHHHHHHH!” bellowed Nicole, running towards the creature and pumping a fresh round into her shotgun. “Jeremy, move!” she ordered, skidding up behind him. But Jeremy didn’t move.

“It’s—it’s Mrs. Porpington,” he whispered weakly.

“It’s a fuckin’ mummy, Jeremy! Now move!” Nicole put a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder to pull him away, when Waverly grabbed her arm.

“Wait, Nicole, no! It—she’s trying to speak!”

Nicole lowered her shotgun slightly, but never put the safety back on. She watched the creature warily, taking in the familiar sight of Wynonna’s midwife’s ever-present canvas tote bag, her rubber Wellies, and the tweed overcoat. A crisp nest of dried wheat colored hair blew around her wrinkled, dry, wrapped face. Nicole grimaced in disgust. “It  _ is _ Mrs. Porpington, or…was,” she said. “What the hell?”

The mummy’s arm rose suddenly and they all flinched back. The mouth opened with a creak and flakes of dust blew threw the open cheeks. “T-t-t…” it said.

Waverly looked interested.

“Tut?” she guessed.

Jeremy sneered. “Seriously Waverly?”

“I think we’ve had enough Egyptian for beginners today!” Wynonna’s voice howled from the kitchen. “Can you please send my midwife in here so I can have my baby?”

The mummy’s head whipped around where Nicole was blocking the door, focusing on Wynonna’s voice. It looked back at Waverly and held up the scone. “T-t--,” it coughed out, scuttling forward even as Waverly cowered out of the way. “Deliver the baby,” it breathed, pushing with more force than Nicole expected, as she found herself on her ass, the long bandages of the mummy Mrs. Porpington whipping around the corner into the kitchen.

Nicole looked at Waverly and they both flinched, waiting for the scream that never came. Nicole picked herself up and they moved slowly into the kitchen where they found Doc boiling a pot of water with a horrified look on his face, while Wynonna did breathing exercises, Mrs. Porpington counting off on her shriveled fingers with a blissful look on her mummy face.

“Ummm, Wynonna,” Waverly started, “About Mrs. Porpington…”

Wynonna held up her hand, palm out. “Waverly, we’re going to talk later about how you turned my midwife into a mummy, and summoned all these ancient Egyptian monsters instead of getting me some fried chicken or a pizza, but for now we’re just going to have this baby Purgatory style. I will take what I can get. So if y’all will kindly just peace out there, and keep shooting whatever ancient creatures you summoned until we’re done in here?”

Waverly shook her head and turned to leave when a hard, talony grip locked around her wrist. She gasped and turned back, Nicole already bounding towards the creature with the first thing she’d grabbed off the counter, a soup ladle, brandished in her hand.

Mrs. Porpington fixed Waverly with her dry, raisin-like orbs.

“Let go of her,” Nicole hissed, raising the ladle above her head.

The mummy practically sneered at Nicole as she growled out one word.

“TEA.”

 


End file.
